and now i need a vacation!

As promised, an update on the fun parts of the last couple weeks. We certainly did a lot!

Two weekends ago, we participated in our church's 5K race, a new part of their summer fundraising festival. I am pleased to announce that we did not come in last (by a very narrow margin).

After the race, we checked out the public library's used book sale at the main downtown branch. There were thousand of books (of varying degrees of literary quality) set out on tables. The first one I snagged was a $3 copy of Birds of Ohio. I have no excuse for misidentifying my backyard birds now! I found the paperback mysteries section (only $1 a piece) and stocked up on Agatha Christie novels, my favorite! Birds, mysteries, and a little nod to Harry Potter... It's not hard to tell which pile is mine in the picture below. Dan clearly spent more time in the sci-fi section.

After the book sale, we met my friends Courtney and Luke who were in town for a baseball game. We had a drink with them at the bar across from the ballpark and then quickly checked out the All-Star Game flower bed, which was filling in nicely!

Last weekend, my family (minus Christopher and Emily who were traveling) came to visit to celebrate my Mom's birthday. On Saturday we went to a Reds game. It ended in a loss, but we did get a free bobble head! I was also super excited for an excuse to get "helmet nachos" for the first time. They always looks so amazing (giant pile of chips, cheese, and salsa in a plastic baseball cap) but are way too much food for one person. We polished them off so cleanly that I was able to wear the plastic hat to dinner at Hofbrauhaus afterwards.

After the game and dinner, we went home for Mom's cake and presents. I made this lemon blueberry cake with cream cheese frosting... my first cake entirely from scratch!

On Sunday we went canoeing. The river was flowing slowly so we ended up paddling much more than usual. I was sore on Monday! The highlight of the trip was finding hundreds of little tadpoles in a shallow area of the water. We got out of the canoes and managed to catch a few for closer inspection. Some had grown all four legs, some only had two tiny back leg buds, and the fastest ones just had wiggly little tails. So fun!

We crammed so much stuff into two weekends, I am just exhausted. I think it's time for a vacation!

due date

This is a sad post, but I can't let this day pass without writing down my thoughts.

Today was my due date... the day we were supposed to meet our little boy. Instead we said our hellos and goodbyes four months ago. It feels like just yesterday and forever ago, all at the same time.

I have felt so sad and anxious about this day, and yet I think a little part of me knew from the beginning that it was never meant to be. Maybe it was mother's intuition. Most of what should have been happy moments from my pregnancy were overshadowed by an overwhelming anxiety that something was wrong. On the triploidy message boards I read, many mothers wrote about how hard it was to realize they weren't going experience all the events they had already envisioned: meeting relatives, birthday parties, etc. I was different; I could never picture anything beyond this day. I feel cheated out of a happy pregnancy, robbed of time with my baby.

We visited Nolan at the cemetery today and left some daylilies from our garden. I wore this Tiffany heart charm engraved with an "N" from Dan's parents, which always makes me feel a little better when I'm particularly sad and lonely. We also planted a new serviceberry tree in the front yard with money from my parents. They have a "Grandpa" tree in their backyard (a gift from their friends when my mom's dad passed away), and now we have a "Nolan" tree as a little memorial.

I have bad days and good days, and this is a bad one. However, the majority of days are much happier, and I do have lots of fun things to share from the last couple weeks. Hopefully a much cheerier post will be published soon.