keeping busy

I read somewhere that grief is like riding a roller coaster in the dark. You know there will be ups and downs, but you can't see what's coming. I feel okay one minute and I'm a teary-eyed mess the next. I do seem to feel a little better, both emotionally and physically, each day that passes. My worst times happen when I'm not keeping myself busy, and I start thinking about how different everything is from how it could have been. I could be having baby showers, wearing maternity clothes, preparing a nursery, but instead I'm visiting my little boy at the cemetery. It just doesn't feel right.

I'm finding ways to work through the sadness. I've shared our story with a Facebook group for triploidy loss. It's amazing to hear similar stories from other group members who carried to 22 weeks since I was feeling so alone. Our doctors said that I was the furthest along they'd seen a triploidy pregnancy. We also met with a therapist yesterday, which I thought was very helpful. It's nice to have someone besides family validate what I'm feeling. Keeping busy is the most important thing I'm doing to stay sane; it keeps my mind from wandering. Here's an update on some of my latest activities:

Card album
We've received so many thoughtful sympathy cards, so I collected them all into a large binder ring and made front and back covers from thin cardboard wrapped in scrapbook paper. I made a similar album for our wedding cards following this tutorial from Something Turquoise, and I already had all the supplies needed. This was a good way to keep all the cards together and still be able to flip through and read all the comforting words from our friends and family.

Shadow box
I'm also putting together a shadow box with mementos from the hospital and little gifts we've received. I've been building a little shelf for the box this week, and now I'm ready to assemble everything.

Felt birds
The night before I checked into the hospital, I ordered a stack of wool-blend felt to make bird ornaments from patterns I found online at Downeast Thunder Farm. For the first week after Nolan's birth, I was spending every minute on the couch, and the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning was working on these birds. I picked nine of my favorite birds from the patterns online, and they're waiting to be assembled into a wreath or wall-hanging. I just haven't figured out exactly how I want to display them yet.

Shopping
Dan went to the first day of the AMC Best Picture showcase on Saturday. The theater shows all eight Oscar nominees over two Saturdays, four films each day. I just can't sit through that many movies (unless it's Harry Potter), so my mom came for the weekend and we spent Saturday at the mall. It was nice to be out of the house for a day, even if it was a little sad to see lots of families and babies.

Finally...
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